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The Accidental Pervert

After moving to a new country from NYC, I thought I'd pick up things quickly. One wrong use of the term 'double-fisting' and my dreams of normalcy have been dashed, leading me to have become The Accidental Pervert. You can come here to feel better.

Would You Like an Unintentional Sexual Reference with That?

Week 1: I arrive in Londontown fresh off the plane from NYC. I have high hopes for this place. I mean, let’s face it. With a ratio of 1 man to every 5 women, NYC dudes have the pick of the litter. Even if most of the litter if full of over-tanned, salad eating, pretentious b…anyway. At least in London, everyone has an accent so even if they are insulting you, it’s kind of nice. Feelin’ good.

Week 2: Is spent ‘connecting’ (read: hunting down, harassing, begging) for the 4 people I know to hang out with me. I mean COME ON. I like beer. I can bust a move . Sometimes I snort when I laugh too hard. FUN RIGHT?! So I hang out with a dude who makes me nervous. And it’s all good, we’re laughing and talking and I probably did snort at some point. Then I go for the hair flip. You know what I’m talking about it. That subtle ‘Oh heehee, my hair is in my face so let me move it to one side so you can see my shoulder. I moisturized it and everything. Lord knows what kind of awesome body parts are linked to that shoulder…’ Girls do this shit all the time. But somewhere I lost my balance and fell down. In front of the whole bar. In front of the dude that makes me nervous.

It’s cool. Let’s move on.

Going to work already feels like the 1st day of school. You will probably not talk to any one. Try to be as least offensive as possible. Hold all your bladder activities in because you don’t know where the hell the restroom is and you don’t want to ask…

But there’s a light at the end of this day. The company has a bar. Score! I want to be the cool, reliable coworker so obviously I offer to get the booze. Carrying back two cans of beer and people are staring at me. Do I have something on my face? Is my fly down? What is happening?! I say to everyone at the bar, including my boss, ‘Oh don’t worry guys. I’m not double-fisting. These are for Coworker A and B.’

Silence. The staring continues. Someone chuckles and says, ‘You don’t want to say that in this country, love.’

For your reference (source Urbandictionary.com):

What double-fisting means in America

Expression used to describe somebody at a party, bar or restaurant, holding two drinks, one in each hand. Unlike single fisting, which most people do.

He had to wait too long for the barkeeper to take his order, so he decided to double fist.

What double-fisting means in London

Double fisting is an extreme sexual activity that must not be confused with fisting. The ‘double’ often suggests ‘two’ hands that are inserted into the orafice(s) of women or men.

Week 2 wins.